I had this same problem when I reviewed movies for my college paper during
the Persian Gulf War in 1991. When the TV and radio airwaves are filled with
reports of missiles being fired and a ground war imminent, I'm here snuggled
safe in my suburban U.S. townhouse writing about fluff essentially. Sure, we
all need laughs and diversion. But when it comes to really panning a movie,
as I am about to do with the new Gwyneth Paltrow movie View From the
Top, how can I say that this movie made me suffer and that the horror of
the experience will haunt me for days to come and not seem like a complete putz?
Oh, but I did suffer. So did the others around me.
Enduring the 87-minute Scud that is View From the Top is not the end
of the world. It will just seem that way. Gwyneth stars as Donna Jensen, a white-trash,
overtanned imbecile who spent her whole life dreaming of getting out of Silver
Springs, Nev., and living a life of "meaning and excitement." After
dating the high-school quarterback and working at Wal-Mart resulted only in
heartbreak and disappointment, Donna turns her focus to emulating her idol,
a stewardess-turned-author played by Candace Bergen.
Donna first works as a "stew" for a small carrier that can best be
described as Air Hooters. Then, she and two of her equally dimwitted, insipidly
earnest, and scantily clad co-workers (played by Christina Applegate
and Kelly Preston) decide to apply for jobs at a larger, more respected
airline called Royalty. One problem. Gwyneth has fallen for the lawyer-turned-guy-living-the-simple-life
Mark Ruffalo, and she may not be able to have both a career and a romance.
OK, two problems. The three friends dress like whores and snap gum like sixth-graders
and expect to be taken seriously. What follows is tedium the likes of which
I have not sat through since the abortion that was Solaris.
The film appears to have been written by a committee of Dudditzs (If you
don't know what a Dudditz is, see the Dreamcatcher review--DJRoy.).
When Gwyneth is trying to be a stewardess, View From the Top is this
spoofy, unfunny, groan-inducing Police Academy knockoff about Stewardess
School and the graduates' ensuing first assignments. When Gwyneth is with Ruffalo,
it's this tired, cookie-cutter, completely by-the-numbers romantic comedy almost
completely devoid of the kind of charm that Reese Witherspoon and Meg
Ryan rather effortlessly bring to these types of stories. Angelina Jolie
and her brother have more sexual chemistry than the two leads in this film.
And the juxtaposition of the two comedy styles had me scratching my head throughout
and asking, "What are they really going for here?"
Actually, I spent a large part of the flick wanting to shout it, "Gwyneth,
you're an Oscar winner! GET A NEW AGENT!!!"
Most insipid of all is the fact that the film is basically a Gwyneth love fest,
as her character must find her "voice and her soul." The whole movie
has one character after another telling our heroine such nurturing puke as:
"Donna Jensen, you're going places in this world" and "Donna
Jensen, nothing can stop you" and "Donna Jensen, YOU are royalty."
Seriously, everyone in the flick at one time or another refers to Donna by both
her first and last name! Was it wrong of me to root for planes to go down in
this film, ladies and gentlemen? Not over cities or towns, mind you. Just over
water or open fields.
And while I have my Caps Lock key held down ... ahem ... WHAT IN THE HELL IS
MIKE MYERS DOING IN THIS FILM?!?! Good God, man. There are charities
that demand your time and energy. Myers plays John Whitney, a failed steward
turned airline executive who has it in for Gwyneth because HE used to be the
best. Myers gives the film a brief spark of comic energy with jokes about Whitney's
"lazy eye." But then Whitney becomes like the worst Saturday Night
Live skits, a one-joke sketch that is no longer funny after the same one
joke is told three or four or a dozen times over.
I'll end this here. Suffice to say, View From the Top is an early candidate
for my 10 Worst list. Director Bruno Barreto vastly overestimates the
appeal and charm of his lead. Nothing ever seems to be really at stake in the
film. Even worse, it's mind-numbingly boring. It's as boring and uncomfortable
to sit through as a 12-hour flight with no movie, no headset, no meals, no little
packets of cocktail peanuts, and a broken chair that doesn't go back. I feel
like one of those a-holes at the end of those old romantic comedies where the
guy is running after his beloved in the terminal, hoping he can get to her before
she leaves. Instead, I am running after you, dear readers, and yelling, "DON'T
GET ON THAT PLANE!!! PLEASE!!!!"
View From the Top is rated PG-13 for language and sexual references.
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