Bulletproof
Monk: Dude, Where's My Karma?!
Bulletproof
Monk: Dude, Where's My Karma?!
OK, I just came home from seeing Bulletproof Monk (now playing in theaters
nationwide), and I can honestly say that I'm now officially ready for The
Matrix sequels! Enough of the pretenders. Enough with the amateurish wire-fu
effects that has people flying through the air, leaping buses, dodging bullets,
and performing other feats of digitally enhanced derring-do that any movie fan
worth his/her salt knows can only be done in The Matrix.
Welcome to the desert of the real, my friends, and that desert is littered with
movies like Bulletproof Monk that have taken the inspiration of the original
"Matrix"--that of the "bullet-time" special effect--and
turned it into a yawning, been-there-seen-that bore. The Wachowski brothers
say they got stuff in The Matrix Reloaded (due in May) and The Matrix
Revolutions (due in November) that will once again knock our socks off,
wash them, and put them back on our stinky feet. Gentlemen, you have your work
cut out for you.
The only thing that has even come close to the innovation and sheer whimsy of
The Matrix since its April 1999 release is Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Dragon. The makers of Bulletproof Monk were then wise, as wise as
Li Mu Bai, to cast "Crouching Tiger" star Chow Yun-Fat
as the title character in this new film. The Hong Kong action star plays (and
I'm not making this up) The Monk With No Name, protector of an ancient scroll
that holds the key to unimaginable power. Back in the 1930s, a band of evil
Nazis tried to take the scroll, but were thwarted. More than 60 years later,
those same Nazis are still after it, still bent on bending the world to cower
at the feet of the Third Reich. And The Monk With No Name is still safeguarding
it.
He has survived over the years, because the artifact has blessed him with eternal
youth. His quest to find the scroll's next guardian takes him to modern-day
New York (well, Toronto actually) where he finds "the one" in the
form of a street-smart, young pickpocket named Kar (Seann William Scott).
Training, fortune-cookie wisdom, and largely disappointing martial arts action
ensues.
Obviously, with a title like Bulletproof Monk, we're not supposed to
take the movie seriously. And I really didn't The movie is fun in a second-rate
kind of way. There's just nothing terribly special about it. And the premise
is shaky. Parkison's shaky. Chow Yun-Fat is one the coolest guys on the planet.
He is Da Man. But I'm sorry. His Monk With No Name is a dolt. He's supposed
to be this all-wise sage with decades of experience and expertise. But how can
you take a guy seriously who carries around the most powerful artifact in the
world in a shoulder bag, who then plans to entrust its safe-keeping for the
next several decades to ... Stifler from the American Pie flicks?!?!
I wanted to scream, "WHAT?! You're entrusting the scroll of ultimate power
to one of the two dullards from Dude, Where's My Car?
That is, of course, being totally unfair to Stifler ... uh, actor Seann William
Scott, who is trying desperately to break away from the party-boy dimwits he
has excelled at in the past. Good luck, buddy. I still can't look at ya and
not see Stifler. I mean, really. Come on! How far down on the list of casting
hopefuls did the producers have to go before they got to Scott, who I'm sure
was probably screaming "CAST ME! CAST ME!" when they had him waiting
outside the casting office. Scott and Chow Yun-Fat have decent chemistry on
screen, about as good as Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson in the "Shanghai"
movies. But they ain't Butch and Sundance or Riggs and Murtaugh or ... heck,
Turner and Hooch. They're the Monk and Kar. Please.
And, I'm sorry again, but we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel if
Nazis are the best villain we can come up with in the 21st century (even if
the lead goose-stepper is Karl Roden, that creepy skinhead from 15
Minutes). Nazis are the easiest, most politically correct bad guys to put
up on screen. If it ain't Indy and Sallah or the Allied troops coming to save
France and Spielberg working the camera, let's leave the swastikas in the costume
department, OK?
That's really all I got on this one, folks. If you're hard up for action and
can't wait for The Matrix Reloaded in a few weeks, check this flick out
at a bargain matinee. Or better yet. Make like a monk and abstain.
Bulletproof Monk is rated PG-13 for violence, language, and some
sexual content.
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