The
Scorpion King: Splits Skulls and HairsThe
Scorpion King: Splits Skulls and HairsI marvel at The Rock's hairlessness. I am entering a period of my life where it is entirely possible that hair will be lost in places I don't want it to be lost, and will be gained in places where it has no business of sprouting. Yes, like grass in the cracks of a sidewalk, hair on men can pop up in the most unsightly of places. In our ears, out our noses, on our posteriors... worst of all, up and down our backs.
Again, I reiterate that I am 31. I gotta shove clippers up my nostrils once or twice a month and trim the old nose hairs, but that's about it. So far, I've been lucky. But spring is here on the East Coast . . . a time of growing, a time of mowing. All of the "men" in my neighborhood (I live in a townhouse community) are out mowing their lawns these days. The temperature in the Baltimore area is hitting 80 degrees-plus. It's like a heatwave. Earlier this week, one neighbor--a fellow homeowner who is about 10 years older than Yours Truly--was out mowing his lawn a few doors down from me. From a distance, he seemed to be wearing a sweater. I was incredulous. The temperature was near 90, and this guy was wearing an Izod special? I had to get a closer look. A few steps towards him, and I soon realized that was no sweater. That was my neighbor ... shirtless!
Yuck! Not only that, but when the wind started blowing, his body hair would flutter in the breeze and he'd go all blurry ... you know, like the Flash in one of those old DC Comics whenever he would break into a sprint.
This guy was his own cartoon panel!
Was I looking at my future? Gosh, I hope not. But I think about these things, you know? I wanna be like the Rock, that pro wrestler-turned-movie star who has the title role in The Scorpion King. No, no. Forget about the muscles, the height, the arched eyebrow, and the chiseled good looks. I already have all those (HA! Yeah, right .. and if you believe that, I also have a summer home in Kabul up for sale if you're interested). I'm telling ya, this Rock guy has not one single wisp of hair on his entire body. Not one! Now, maybe he shaves more than his face. I don't know. I'm just saying that on the big screen, this guy is the hairless wonder. He is the anti-Baldwin! He's Hair Jordan.
And there is no way he got that muscular with steroids. Just like women sit and judge other women as to whether they've had implants, guys will look at other guys and mutter things like: "'Roids, man. He's on the 'roids. I could look like that." Ah, but there would be the whole matter of the chest and back hair, my friends. Have you ever talked to a guy on steroids? You sit down and have a conversation with such a person and ten minutes later, the musclehead has grown a full beard.
No, the Rock is clean. Now, the question is: Can he act? Well, I was surprised to see that the Rock was able to embrace the subtle nuances of the Scorpion King. Not since Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot has ... ah, who cares?! The Rock looks great. That is all the role calls for. Someone who looks great, has muscles, and enjoys a complete absence of body hair. He is the movie's best special effect.
But then The Scorpion King is not about acting. It's about kicking people in the face (the best actor in the film is actually a camel). On this level, it succeeds magnificently. The Rock plays Mathayus, the last of a race of people who have been wiped out by the evil ruler, Memnon (Steven Brand). Mathayus is a wanderer, a renegade. But for a price of 20 blood rubies, he gladly accepts an assignment from what's left of a rebel alliance of sorts to kill Memnon and the sorcerer who has helped him seize power.
Mathayus soon learns, though, that the sorcerer is actually the beautiful sorceress, Cassandra (Kelly Hu), and that Memnon has been forcing her to use her gifts to his evil benefit. The rest of the movie is a cross between Conan the Barbarian and Body Beautiful as the two scantily clad good people team up to rally the downtrodden for one final all-out assault on the bad guy's palace.
Such stories have been told a thousand times over, of course, so the success of a flick like this comes down to style. Thankfully, The Scorpion King does have style. It never takes itself seriously, and there is a (largely bloodless) fight sequence every five minutes or so to hold our interest. The movie is big, dumb fun.
Is it original? Oh, please. If you've seen a lot of movies like I have, you will recognize action sequences that have been lifted right out of such movies as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Octopussy, and Rambo III. And let's not forget that The Scorpion King was spawned from The Mummy films, so you're never very far away from a sandstorm sequence. So, yeah, there were times I was more than a little bored with the flick. But The Scorpion King also has a couple of really innovative sequences that I hadn't seen before. My favorite was when the Rock was buried up to his neck in sand and left to die as thousands of killer ants--the size of spiders--crawl his way. Before he can be saved by a helpful sidekick (Grant Heslov), the Rock uses his chin and even his teeth to kill as many ants as he can. And the film promises a final battle between Mathayus and Memnon, and man does it deliver! Director Chuck Russell delivers a great climactic sword fight.
The Scorpion King is nothing more than a warm-up to the more ambitious summer fare on the way, like Spiderman, Minority Report, and Star Wars: Episode II--Attack of the Clones. But there is enough eye candy here to make this worth a Saturday or Sunday afternoon matinee ticket. Will your kids love it? Absolutely! This movie is a video game, a World Wrestling Federation match, and a gladiator flick all rolled up into one. It may be a little too aggressive for some parents' taste. But in the end, this may be one of those formative movies that will put hair on your kid's chest.
Er, you know what I mean.
The Scorpion King is rated PG-13 for action violence
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