I pity Steve Irwin, a.k.a. The Crocodile Hunter of the popular Animal Planet cable channel. This personable, courageous, charming bloke from Down Under has had to go up against some pretty unsavory creatures recently. Poisonous snakes, slithery lizards, conniving weasels.
And that was just the studio execs he met in Hollywood!
No, but seriously, folks. I am a Crocodile Hunter fan. I've been hooked on the guy's show for a couple of years now. Part of the allure is, of course, the fact that the guy is certifiably insane! The dude wrestles crocodiles, handles pythons and cobras like they're garden hoses, and generally goes into places you or I would never go in. His hook is that he always goes in wide-eyed, narrating his actions and inner thoughts, tossing off his hilarious Steve-isms.
"You don't want to muck with this one, mate. This one has enough venom in his bite to put down a hundred blokes the size of me. Look at him, scoping me out. Crikey! I got 'em mad!"
Steve Irwin and his good-natured, completely supportive wife, Terri, star in the new action-comedy Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course (now in theaters). If you get past the stupid, stupid, stupid CIA subplot and the other needless plot thread involving a portly, grimacing Queenslander (Magda Szubankski, Farmer Hoggett's wife in the Babe films) out for revenge against a wandering croc, and focus on what the Irwins do in this movie, you will have a GREAT time with this flick. In fact, outside of Attack of the Clones and Spider-Man, I don't think I have had more fun in a movie this summer!
That is because director John Stainton and screenwriter Holly Goldberg Sloan understand EXACTLY why Steve Irwin is so appealing. The film captures all of his wide-eyed wonder and overflowing love for the wild animals he tries to help. I don't know why they tried to cram the movie with some CIA gibberish about idiot agents trying to recover a lost satellite data device about the size of a top that was swallowed by an Australian crocodile. And I really don't know why they hired a bunch of wooden actors who all look like they are stunt doubles for better actors to focus an inordinate amount of time on. You could have just made the whole movie about the Irwins' attempts to save a prized croc from poachers and the adventures they get into in the bush, and it would have just been perfect.
But I am not going to focus on this movie's shortcomings. I just had too much fun. The scenes where Steve and Terri (mostly Steve) attempt to wrangle a King Brown snake, then a Fierce Snake, then a baby Eastern Grey Kangaroo, then a Bird Eating Spider are just priceless. Steve talks to the audience the whole time. He can't help but admire the beauty and power of each creature. He loves sifting through "croc poo" and trying to get closer looks at spider fangs and lizard tongues. He and his wife basically drive around the wilderness and search for these critters in need. They aren't hunters or poachers. They're more like conservationists, wildlife warriors.
Sometimes, Steve's fascination comes close to getting the better of him. Already shot at and suffering with a bad case of bowel obstruction, the film's mammoth showcase crocodile gives Steve-o perhaps his ultimate challenge. All the Irwins want to do is move him to safer waters. But, as Steve puts it, "Crikey, this croc is really one clever Saltie! Look at how she is trying to lure me in to the thinner waters and lose me. I think I'll rope her around the jaw and try and shimmy her into the boat!"
In the course of their pursuit of the croc, Steve and Terri mistake the CIA operatives for poachers and the CIA guys mistake the Irwins for international mercenaries out to recover the device for their own purposes. It's hilarious that even as the Crocodile Hunter stumbles into a car chase or gets dive bombed by a rogue agent throwing sticks of dynamite from the air, he always talks right into the camera like he is still filming an episode of his TV series. Terri, meanwhile, says such Terri-isms as "Be careful, Steve" in the same tone of voice a suburban housewife would tell her husband to watch out for the morning traffic on the freeway.
I think Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course could turn out to be a real sleeper hit, and I would welcome additional sequels. Only next time, keep the focus on Steve and Terri (and their courageous dog Suey). Crikey! They can carry a film all by themselves!
Crocodile Hunter is rated PG for some very intense scenes
of jungle peril and some mild language. Parents with small kids who
easily frighten should probably see the movie first without the little
one(s) to gauge how appropriate it is. There were several moments where
even I was gripping the arms of my chair tightly.
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